Friday, August 12, 2011

Telling FAIL to FUCK OFF

I have been struggling so much with failure lately.  I feel like I have failed at so many things, that for the past 2 months, I have let it consume me.  I believe this has so much to do with the constant self-esteem battle I face, and I just don't always know how to give myself a break
The demon that is dominating my thoughts so much is the Marathon. 

The marathon, is my ultimate goal of victory.  I blogged about it, I have done months of research trying to find the best fit for me, I have made travel arrangements, downloaded training plans, scheduled every run in a planner from now until race day.  This is by far the biggest challenge I have taken on, and yet....I feel I have failed.  Well, I am not going to let myself fail.  I may have to change my thinking, I may have to realize that my goal of finishing this beast strong, will still be that, it may just be slower than what I wanted.  I said myself, that I will finish this marathon, even if it means crawling to the finish line, and I am prepared to do just that.  I remember being at Roller Derby one night, and I heard a bit of advice from another kick ass derby girl, Gina, and she said, "We are not failing if we show up, as long as we are trying, we don't fail."  Wow.  It seems so simple, and I need to believe that it is just that.  Trying is succeeding.  I do not fail if my mileage is slowing down, I do not fail if I didn't run as far as I needed to, but I do fail if I give up.  I'm not going to give up.  I am going to give myself permission to succeed, and furthermore, be happy and content with the outcome, as long as I show up.

I can make excuses, and they are real.  A son in the hospital, getting pneumonia so bad that after 2 months I have just finished yet another round of antibiotics to clear it up, going to school full time, going to work full time, Mother to three kids, daughters graduating High School, then leaving soon for college....and coping with letting her go.  It's all there, I can make excuses all day.  But what does that get me?  An excuse to fail is what it gets me.  I wont let it. 

I am telling